A Window to my Chaotic World

resurruction

2009-06-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

So here it is.. i am resurrecting my blog... not that i have much to write about... when i think about it.. my blog is a way to let out the emptiness... but I really shouldnt be feeling all that empty.. havent spent so much time working furiously in a long time... yet it doesnt give me the sense of achievement that I would have had on another day... I am certainly underutilizing myself.. I can do this every day or once every 2 days.. if only I were as passionate as some others i know or as I was at certain points in my life.... a million different logical ways I can think of to make my life "better" or more eventful but not convinced enough to make an effort.. maybe I will from today... this post sounds very unlike me.. strange tinglings of resolve building up... hope it continues...

very very disconnected thoughts

2007-03-29T07:32:00.000-07:00

why geographical distance is important.... its so fucking cold in here... the sun is rising... its been a while since i caught the sunrise.. i have to go before anyone discovers me here and finds out that i bunked class again today.. why did i have to do that to myself.. i surprise myself at the things i do... for myself? for others? i dont know :) i drank black coffe today.. again.. this is not supposed to make sense .. as usual.....cold but beautiful... the room the view... her?.. the view? my feet? the music? memories... scary depressing ... why do i bother? .. silence... love?

...

2007-02-23T00:24:00.000-08:00

okay ... spent a hell lot of time reading blogs! others and mine! i shud stop doing that.. .im thinking of resurrecting my blog again... with this post... and posting to public what i had as draft.. maybe i wont do that... yeah why the hell not have a mixture of public and private... its not like i dont have any thoughts beyond the blog.... well for sure it isnt... i guess the private blog thing was more of an action induced by the thought.. why the hell should i care if others understand me... and not that i had anything extremly personal to type ... hmm sadly i still do.... aaargh the blankets that smother and comfort me! well anyway... another discussion about society... and i realized ive become more passive abt things in general... more living the "i dont give a fuck" attitude..... they finally get to you.. they box your idealism in a tiny matchbox.. then they compress it... and finally i guess they burn it... and i guess ill just watch emotionless... maybe even laugh at its existence.. and thing.. ha .. young and stupid no more! maybe i can hate my future self today :) ah that indeed is the first thought in the direction of turning into what i predicted i would become :) catch 22 :)

airport blog 2

2007-01-02T01:10:00.000-08:00

okay since i ended the other blog so vehemently i felt the need to start this under a new heading.... which means that the bastard still hasnt arrived.... why the fuck doesnt he have caller id...lol he will get wiser with age i muse sagaciously... lol at some point will become like me.. then go further on to become as cynical as the other bastard roomie i have.. lol... at least i have company i can connect to...maybe i shud just start watching random ppl and start typing aobut them... but tnothign comes to my mind about random ppl.. .besides how hot they are... lol... funny the thought about my life expectancy springs again.. the connecting thoughts i fear too much to record... the realization that i still fear for life ending is kind of scary yet reassuring... im sure if i continue that thought further its going to lead to more depressing lines.. and circle of depressing thought which i would have to jump out of without any answers whatsoever.... lol..i wonder how ppl can avoid thought so easily.. i gueess im just a defective peice of nature.... my laptop battery is running out i m shutting down...

airport blog 1

2007-01-02T01:09:00.000-08:00

that sonofabitch is not here... aaargh.. and this means that im still sitting here typing nonsense.. sipping coffee that i paid more for than at le meridian in cochin.. i hope i dont start thinking in rupees again.. that would still take vaulable days off my life living stingily.. and the mounting feeling that my life is not going to be all that long, prevails.... again.. i met this chick outside the airport... smoking whoz been here for 9 fuckin years.. and still cant speak passable english.. well.. passable maybe.. but certainly not as fluent as i was back in school... funny... which reminds me...it has come to my notice that i have developed an accent which i would have termed fake not so long back.. but its something i switch to... i suspect subconsciously.. but i can consciously switch out of it... which makes me wonder about how complicated my brain actually is.. lol.. maybe i havnet killed all the neurons after all.. yaay!! lol.... that bastard better come soon.. im getting really bugged even writing this nonsense.. funny.. i just read what i wrote in the plane..and it gives me a warm feeling... not that i have achieved anything great.. but somethign about the style that i think still hasnt changed... which was commented upon by that other fem in the plane... lol yaay i still remember her name.. but i dont want to record names in the blog.... im wondering if ill take the effort of copy pasting this into my blog... i guess i will... so that these precious momenst mean somehting... damn ive been wasting the majority of my life its sad... sigh... and not when i had come to die discover that i had not lived.... im not feeling homesick .... i think ive been taking effort into not thinking about home.... i hate leaving.. but i like arriving... though they are both two pieces of the very same event.... the same event in timescale... the plane journey wasnt all that bad either... thanks to the katti vekkal... lol.. good company i guess... why do all the good company chix have to be taken and way older than me... .. but she could have easily passed for 18.... its somethign about the race... yes yes.. it certainly is.. okay i really need to end this and that bastard needs to come fast.. im getting increasingly restless sitting here... i think a part of it.. has to deal with breaking the news to my prof :D..... okay okay am ending this one here.. ..yes yes.. here... here.... enough!!!!

plane blog

2007-01-02T01:08:00.001-08:00

i need to stop doing this random nonsense and start doing something useful with my time.. like spending it productively such as now.. writing about random nonsensical thoughts.. maybe one day it will be nice to read it....... maybe.... maybe i shud just begin caring about some day in the future... if that be termed direction in life .. which is just a vague path.... ah i like making absolutely no sense at all.. i wonder if ill be able to piece together these dotted isolated in text yet connected in mind pieces of thought.. at a later point of time... i have thie uncomfortable feelingt that i wont... i really love this song.. how to save a life.. sadly i dont know the lyrics yet.. though ive listened it it more than a couple of million times.... makes me want to smoke again.. whichi shud stop... i remind myself... lol its really funny actually typing that.. but then hey i typed that its funny.. is that fundamentally different... damn i even put a question mark there.. which i promptly deleted... i wonder if there is anything in reading this along at a point of time in the future... which reminds me of the isolated diary entry i had made when i was really young.. and 5 years later it did sound pretty weird.. but then i was using the prconcieved notions of how a diary entry should be... which is esssentially not like this text... i guess that makes a lot of difference.. i guess it would be pretty much the same if tried following such a notion..now... the difference is that now i cant... and id be really embarassed typing it.. embarassing to myself.. now why that feeling even pops up puzzles me.. is someone watching.. is that the fear?... i hope thats it.. some other human watching as a danger.. otherwise it fucks up my entire philosophy.. the fact that i dont confirm that thought in itself is pretty disconcerting... hmm.. id rather not delve further into that one.. .. why dont they ahve some sattelite internet connectivity thing?? lol why not a fucking teleporter.. so i dont have to endure this pain.... okay this has totally lost its novelty now... im must find out sometihng else to do.. i dont really want to disturb the girl(?) lady (?) sitting next to me... ah generosity... okay im getting really bugged typing this... ah another 3 hrs left in battery..yaay!i shud take this supid operating system out and put in something in which the damn cam works...aaargh.. everythign is screwed up.. ah welcome back negativity!! .. ... okay thats too much of a pause.. why i paused i think i know.. .. hmm.. maybe i dont... maybe its too complicated... is introspection a disease? interesting thought about smile.. which i dont care to record.. but i did just smile... at myself... is this getting dangerous.. i prolly need pills :).. ooh.. i dont know why ppl wouldnt want to take the psychotic drugs.. i would so be happy to get a prescription for it.. wheather i can fake it as a whole is something worth trying.. or do i even need to is kind of a scary thought... i really need to talk to anoops sister... and i have to wish the choot happy bday today.. whether typing that here is actually going to help me remember i know not... i cant believe i forgot the other girls name.. damn i aksed her thrice.... okay.. thanks to the prolonged discussion on how this girl(?)s name is pronoucne.. i think i remember it.yaaay.... i hope its not the dope.. but that hardly counts... maybe if i do it more often... maybe who cares... why the fuck dont i? at least nothing depresses me.. if stoicisim cant.. then what can... shud i jsut delete all this like the rest of the crap ive been typing... the guy air hostess.. looks really confused... lol... and the fem looks kinda cute... i do have something negative to note about that.. but let me not... what a shitty job... i mean ..stand.... and work.. and smile at assholes who are checking you out all the time.. i guess the female psyche is slightly different in this respect.... im not sure i know how though.. though im sure there is a difference.. back to freudian cliched line... thats it.. im ending this... and thats not the first time i said it and not ended it.. ... okay the really true random thoughts are not being recorded..but tht classifies as one of the random ones that i wouldnt originally record... maybe becos i still think faster than i can type.. or maybe im too introverted to record!!! phew.. my blogs are just getting more and more dangerous!!! do i give a fuck? do i know the anser to that question? why the fuckin philosophy? and the little joys of life fluttering away at the cold touch of philosophy... sigh i do miss her.. still... i guess the minds a bitch and just wants what it cant possibly get.. the world is too small.. maybe.. im sure ill cry.... not now.. maybe not then.. maybe ill change and complete my transition into a totally insensitive bastard!

just so that the text doesnt go into the title

2006-12-20T09:58:00.000-08:00

its been a while since ive been here.. and on some random conversation i thought about blogs.... and rememberd i had one.. came to my page and read all my previous blogs... felt really nice to read a lot of my old thoughts.. and suddenly i get the feeling that ive grown.... i probabaly havent.. but this blog is mainly just to record whatever im thiking now.. so that i might later read and enjoy what i thought today... but this sure is not the reason one blogs.. as i have tried to understand earlier..now to complete this purpose all i need is to think something and then record it as im thinking it... lol... easier said than done... yeah just let the thoughts flow... i dont think that ever works.... right something happened just now... that i will not record.. cos it does not involve me.. lol but its funny though...... okay im slipping into resignation about bringing up other chains of thought... i guess things are not affecting me much anymore... reminds me of what rp said about himself and the same reason he identifies with the character in that movie... the johny depp movie... damn i cant remember the name of the movie.... its something starting with D... now i really need to find out.. and for some reason i want to remember the name without looking it up in imdb.... aaargh .. this is painful...yeah i got it.. it took me at least 20 seconds tho.. and it does not start with D its "the libertine".... some lines in the movie.. about reality not inducing feelings but theater bering the only hope.... i had actualy mentioned this in an earlier blog... hmmm.... funny... i think i had an argument about it...hmmm..checked my mail again..nothing interesting in there... im getting restless here..i guess its suddenly life getting a lot slower now that im in india.. damn 3 months in seattle just flew by... maybe im saying that cos its over.... maybe its because i actually worked hard there.. hmm well.. maybe not as hard as ive been trying to convince myself that i worked... but that was fun.. at least the amt of money coming in was a great relief....... which is somethign in the past i remind myself.. i badly need to switch from my extravagant lifestyle i remind myself... lol i wonder if its going to help... probabl not... which reminds me.. there was one secret post that i never posted... am going to see if its still around... i dont remember why i dint post it though....... i just found out there were 2 blogs not 1 that was still in draft.. i dont remmebr why i dint post it earlir.. but i went ahead and posted it now... lol i guess there begins and ends the productivity of the day... am getting tired of this... i m sure when i read this later its only going to depress me more.. .lol maybe not.... to be totally honest....

north country

2006-06-08T01:40:00.000-07:00

been a long time since i wrote a blog.. but saw this wonderful movie today.. i must say its been the best movie ive seen in quite some time.. and i hvae seen quite a looooooooot of movies recently....
i dont really like writing reviews because i feel it takes something out of the movie if you read the review....its inspired on a true story and really touching... touched me.... im sorry i saved only a half cigarette for the night.. its about a woman who enters a man's world of mining... probably at the begning of legislation enabling women in the workforce in america... and her struggle in a male dominated world and her sexual harassment suit....
a must watch movie.... not only is she (charlize theron) beautiful.. she acts so damn well... how come we have none like em in bollywood.... is fucking the director all they have to do to get into indian cinema? i am tempted to delete this para as i dont really want to mention bollywood in the same page...
well... i suspect the only emotions that are affecting me recently are those introduced by movies... hmm.. interesting thought.. maybe beacuse im pretty much not doing anything else......yeah that must be it

on the brink of madness

2006-04-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

for no special reason either... not self pity but something beyond.. maybe there is somethign such as self hate... maybe ive hit it this time... as much as id hate to admit it... but when you are there.. the hating to admit part is solved.. in a rather sad way...
i was wondering why i compare myself with ppl so much lesser than me... why do i need any fucking consolation... im sinking way lower than i ever imagined i would... fuck i dont care .. not now.. not this moment... accepting without concern.. maybe thats not entirely true.. i guess the moment in my head ive been postponing subconsciously is finally here...
maybe i can just sleep off and not wake up... currently dont have the will or effort to get out of it.. still i wear the fucking social mask... and think about inane things when im with others.... nevermind... nothing matters... im gonna quit smoking....its totally screwing up my throat.. mayebe im thinking that just for the sake of somethign to do... fuck fuck fuck... maybe ill just delete this blog..... maybe i dont care enough.. maybe... damn maybe.. im begining to hate the word now...

i hate titles

2006-03-19T12:12:00.000-08:00

yet another visit to blogspace..... not because i hve nothing else to do..but because i dont feel like doing anything.. damn... maybe i always felt that.. no maybe not always.... aaargh... why do i keep visiting the same areas again and again.. did not send cards to my brother and dad which is depressing me to death... more so when my dad mentioned its depressing him as well... i dont blame him for telling me... at least he is telling me.... i refuse to change from being a prick.... another week passeth by..just like all the other weeks before this..... i shud get overmyself and do something.. have a baddy tourney today.. not that i have hope of winning a single match... i dont.. nor do i even hope to win.. sad fucked up life.... its a phase i try to convince myself... maybe im too smart to believe that.... maybe i suck at convincing.... anyway.. im not doing a very good job at that.... had recent loong conversations for which im greateful..not that it has done something to change my belief in things... just another connection to some distant part of the world... which is pleasant in a weird way i know not how to explain... but yes....maybe another tiny string holding everything together.... recent addiction.... "get laid slowly" by james... the music is awesome tho it tempts me to smoke...... hmmm.... i shud read a paper before going for the tourney then maybe ill not feel so guilty about playing.. but i doubt it... why do these unnatural emotions keep bothering me again and again... cant get rid of it.. maybe im using the wrong word here.. maybe not guilt.... sheesh.. imending this... till another day like this or hopefully much better.... lol... it cant get much worse.... :).... ramesh would disagree.. it can always get worse...lol... let me pause the thought at it cant get much worse.. wonder which is better to end at... not in theblog.. i mean in my head... ah nevermind....

break between classes

2006-02-06T11:48:00.000-08:00

been a long time since i visited my own page.. and thought ill add something... for lack of anything better to do.. saw the movie aviator yesterday.. dint like it much... so there is nothign to rite much about that.. however one thing that strikes me in that movie is the passion of the character in the movie..... cnat say ive ever felt that passionate about anythign ever.. and now is a differnt story.. im pretty amazed i can grasp the meaning of that word in the current state that im in... oh i can see it coming.. another crib blog.. of lost hope.. or lack of hope.... the meaninglessness of exitstence etc etc.... well.. ive done that lots of times before.. and even thats boring.. boredom to the rescue eh... cant even think of anything now..the thought is not flowing naturally... i have to thikn to think .. pretty wierd.. im almost forcing myself to write this stupid blog.. why?? the reason i know somwhere deep in but i dont want to accept it so consciously as i know i can.. thats pretty dangerous... ah who cares right.. okay i tried to bring the reason into consicous thought and i think thats not totally true either.. but there is no drive to delve into it further... damn another class in half an hour.. that class is so fucking boring.. im sure i wontmiss anything if i bunk the damn thing.. why am i taking all shitty courses this term.. i have to find an excuse to myself ... of course again.. i know the reason.. and ive accepted it.. and its almost resignation.... and i dont really wnat to write about it further... i am feeling hungry... i shud probably get up and make something.. ther is nothing readymade that i can eat.. damn !!!! damn!!! maybe ill just fry beef and have it with bread... im losing taste for good food as well.. moreover today i recieved another deprssing mail.... which has convinced me that what i feared most is true.. no not about any person in particular but about life in general.... oh i suspected all the negativity to be true.. but i guess there was always a hope that it was not.. but the hope is dying pretty fast.. im not sure if i hvae that hope anymore.. im tired of introspecting... ah maybe the final step into void ... am slipping by into it and dont feel like making the effort to stop.. is laziness the root cause of all this?? maybe .. lol... reminds me of the quote in defense of laizness by william blake... hard work pays off inthe future.. laziness pays off now okay ill get up and cook... :(

void

2006-01-09T11:22:00.000-08:00

void thought void blog

living with finality

2005-12-11T16:02:00.001-08:00

animal instinct
Suddenly something has happened to me
As I was having my cup of tea
Suddenly I was feeling depressed
I was utterly and totally stressed
Do you know you made me cry
Do you know you made me die

And the thing that gets to me
Is you’ll never really see
And the thing that freaks me out
Is I’ll always be in doubt
It is a lovely thing that we have
It is a lovely thing that we
It is a lovely thing, the animal
The animal instinct

So take my hands and come with me
We will change reality
So take my hands and we will pray
They won’t take you away
They will never make me cry, no
They will never make me die
And the thing that gets to me
Is you’ll never really see
And the thing that freaks me out
Is I’ll always be in doubt

The animal, the animal,
The animal instinct in me
It’s the animal, the animal,
The animal instinct in me
It’s the animal, it’s the animal,
It’s the animal instinct in me x2

it hit me hard when i heard that song again..and i dont even want to forget.. there is no escape for me.. trapped by my own self... and not willing to get out of the trap either... there is no logic to rescue..... logic doesnt give any answer for existence.... something did.. and that something does not anymore... i wish i wud just fade away ..... and cease to exist... ill just live on... an existence to which i cant attach any meaning... breathing lifelessly..... wonder if something can ever give meaning to life again..... vain hope.. since you already know that something is not in my control... and if it were it would lose all meaning.....

care enough to understand

2005-12-08T02:29:00.000-08:00

why do i bother thinking so much? why do ppl ask me this question? anyway.. why do i do it? is it because i care enough to think.. to try to understand why things are the way they are and people feel the way they feel.... isnt that the reason why they talk to me in the first place... because i care enough to understand them in the first place? and isnt it ironic that the same reason for which they talk to me... they pity me... for all those who think i deserve pity ... i dont... im happier thinking .. the alternative is a meaningless existence :)

Are you there ?

2005-12-03T20:05:00.000-08:00

Are you there?
Is it wonderful to know
All the ghosts...
All the ghosts...
Freak my selfish out
My mind is happy
Need to learn to let it go
I know you'd do no harm to me

But since you've been gone I've been lost inside
Tried and failed as we walked by the riverside
Oh I wish you could see the love in her eyes
The best friend that eluded you lost in time
Burned alive in the heat of a grieving mind

But what can I say now?
It couldn't be more wrong
Cos there's no one there
Unmistakably lost and without a care
Have we lost all the love that we could share
And its wearing me down
And its turning me round
And I can't find a way
Now to find it out
Where are you when I need you...

Are you there?

By Anathema
Beautiful song.. its on repeat in my playlist....

am irritated so will do some people bashing

2005-12-02T15:16:00.000-08:00

my mood has been pretty bad today.... my object detector is not detecting any objects.... and ive tried tweaking all combinations of variables that can be tweakd.. looked thru my code a hundred zillion times.. and im still stuck!!!!! fuck!!! trying to get thru this course im going to flunk all the other courses im taking....
moving on to another chain of thought.... some ppl just take you for granted... well.. taking you for granted means... they think you will do a lot more for them than you actually would..... its irritating at first.... because they kind of ask you things which you refuse... and you hate refusing things.... well.... soon it becomes amusing because they still dont lose their assumption about you... and keep asking you.. .then it turns into...."i cant believe you are asking me this" and you laugh at them.... lol.. its funny
reminds me of another breed of ppl.... (of course not necessarily disjoint from the previous set mentioned) they think your behaivor is a function of their behavior towards you... well... to an extent thats true... but my behavior is not a funcion of their immediate behavior towards me.. like if x wants to get something done from me....x says "hi.. how are you doing? do u want this? i have lots of this which i thought you could use....... hey do you have this thing that i want?" actually all relationships are give and take of some form or other.. but this behavior when repeated makes me think that x thinks im an idiot and i can be fooled into doing things for x.... more than doing things for x what bugs me is that x thinks he/she has got something done out of me.. i hate the feeling that im being controlled.... and i hate ppl who behave in so "obvious" a way as to let me see thru it :D ... why did i add the last part "obvious" because.. i have at times of weakness done this myself... but am extremely careful so as to not make it obvious (ie leave sufficent time gap between giving and asking :D ) but the times have been few and i have to sacrifice a great amt of self respect to do it.. so i do it only wehn i hve no other option

requiem for a dream

2005-11-29T01:16:00.000-08:00

just saw the movie ... it has made me feel.... hmm.. different.... and i must admit.. a bit scared.....made really well.. and the background music is just amazing!!! oh i have to download that.... i dont want to review it..... but it IS a must watch.... i dont think ill ever touch drugs again .... i bet no anti drug campaign can be as effective as this movie... it kind of makes you think ....... it could happen to you..and it keeps reminding you of the possibility of how fucked up your life can get if you start with it.....
i started watching the movie in a very happy mood.. sadly the mood has changed but again.. the movie was really good... the way it kind of induces fear in you is that... it tells you.. you might be fucked up but no one is going to give a shit... and im sure its true.... no one is actually going to give a shit....
and yeah :) it started snowing today.. its beautiful outside... i can see snowflakes gliding slowly onto the naked branches outside my window... i hope there will be a thick blanket of snow on the roads tomorrow.... i want to throw snowballs at people :D...... oh i think ill quit smoking again :) .... maybe its the movie

love story

2005-11-27T00:00:00.000-08:00

just saw the movie.. i dont exactly remember the story in the novel.. but this movie was really beautiful... made in 1970 i think.. and its got a really beautiful piece of music... sounds familiar as well.... the movie starts with letting you know that she died and then the full movie goes in flashback...but till the end you totally forget that she is going to die... lets you really enjoy the time she was there....the end is really sad though..sigh

a window to sadness

2005-11-03T00:11:00.000-08:00

listening to the song "door se paas" now... the song has opened a door of emotions that was slowly closing... almost shut.... did something a few minutes back which might not have been a very wise thing to do..... opened the door wider...and left it wide open to the millions of arrows shooting in... there is nothing i can do about it... i cant work hard and find a solution.. i cant cry my tears dry... they never stop coming.... now i know why people pray.... it is in moments such as this.. facing total helplessness and being a mute spectator looking at your own excruciating pain as you torture yourself along with all others and you lose all control.. that you wish you could do something and let it go away from you by praying... ihave given that up never to take it back again.. what do i have.. but my thoughts , myself...... maybe nothing.... maybe.... maybe... sigh...

more randomness

2005-10-30T23:43:00.000-08:00

hmm... okay i am bloggin beacuse i was thinking about blogging.... this is starting to get too cliched in my blogs... and that was the reason i gave to the discussion about why i blog which happend about half an hour back... that it doesnt really matter whether other ppl think its cliched or not.. unless i think so... hmm..was that the line i took.. i think the question about why blog can be fundamentally reduced to the question of "do you like to talk to other ppl".. if someone said "hi" to you on the street would you reply?... hm.. maybe the reduction is not all that proper or simple.... anyway.... lots of discussion in the recent past about why i blog....anyway.. a startling realization that i do not blog when i am depressed..... i dont.. i know this because i have just gone thru my past blogs and i was always happy.... now is an exception cos i thnk im kinda in a neutral state rite now... i wonder if something i put in my blog can affect me badly.... in my social life..... or maybe there is some conscious check on that.. this is not to be interpreted that im consciously checking now something that i want to put in but i wont.. but just the fact that such a possibility exists.. living the safety of probability in thought and action... lol.. okay thats cryptic enough that noone makes any sense out of it.... well... okay im losing all track of that line of thought and im not thinking about bloggin in itself. thats again an ironic thought in itself.. but not at the moment i thought about the irony the irony disappears eh.. but the irony was in the past ... and the irony exists in the past.....
somehow the net conenctin seems to be crawling today.. got a list of movies that i have to download.. am too lazy to shift windows by pressing alt tab and searching for the movies..... ill keep that for another moment when im more concerned about it.... feeling kinda sleepy and i dont want to miss tomorrows class so ill end... or maybe not.. yeah but i dont want to miss the classes.. especially since i completed the assignments!!! yaaay!!!...lol... thining about completed assignments brings in enough adrenalin to make sleep difficult.. will try anyway.. let me eat one more of my chocolates and feed the bacteria that are gonna feast on it while im in deep sleep dreaming something erotic (hopefully)....lol... maybe its true that 7/10 thoughts are sex related... but then again maybe not... that was supposed to be in teenage... sigh...am past that.. .. lol.. probably thats a reason why i am thinking of philosophy about sex rather than sex itself .... :)

friends and immaturity

2005-10-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

time to kill before an appointment.. and todays morning coffe + cig and i was introspecting yet again and climbed back into my hole to blog :) .... thought i had to put this down.... recently i was talking with a friend .. the same childish talk... which is a lot of fun.. which i doubt many guys indulge in... and his girlfriend said.. "is this the normal guy talk? this is so immature".... lol... i was thikning about this.. no i dont think this is the normal "guy talk".. its something special.. which few ppl have i believe.. ie keeping the child in them alive.... very immautre maybe.. but very beautiful.... i believe... reminds me of a coversation i had with rp a long time back.. when we were playing badminton and behaving like very small kids..... after a couple of knocks.. and exhausted we sat down and i said....do you notice that a lot of time we behave a like a couple of very small kids.. laughing and playing... and he said... "yeah i know.... its fun.. and the alternative is too boring to even consider".... true..i think all of my really close friends have been such... but this mode is also contrasted with a deep philosophical thought which i drop in with equal frequency.. which might be a bit too mature.. for the same ppl who think the alternate behavior is extremely immature...... living in the beauty of extrremes... also on introspecting today i believe that.. almost all of my close gang of friends..share teh same "switching to extremems" behavior....possibly the reason why they are my friends and me theirs ..... :) .. am lucky to find these ppl in vancouver as well.. where i was truly afraid id find my kind..but they exist everywhere....true.. the alternative is too damn boring to consider..and am very happy in my existence and am elated as of the moment for the way i am and the way my friends are.... :) :) :)

festivals happiness madness magic

2005-10-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

its been a long time... and i think to myself.. why am i blogging?... lol.... maybe the same reason i always thought of bloggin i guess.... because i have nothing else to do..and i have a suspicion that its kind of postponment to a lot of work i am supposed to be doign.... also someone did remind me of my blogs yesterday... im sure that has a lot to do with why the topic of blog should enter my thought at all....cos it was long forgotten..... maybe once i start work.. ill probably find it damn easy to continue... or chances are pretty high.. that ill find it damn interesting and get really involved in it.. what are the distractions thats making starting such a big deal.. hmm.. i m sure trying to analyze that line is not going to reach anywhere...thought is going to the song i currently have one repeat ... "tu hai wahi"... a dj aqeel remix..... hmm.. thought goes no further.. lol.. why did i rite that... because there was a thought about blogs. what i shud put in them.... was thinking it should be my exact chain of thought as im bloggin.. then a conscious effort to thnk what im thinking about... then probably i thought of the first thing that my senses percieved which would be the song im listening to .... hmm....maybe i shud stop self thought analysis..... lol.. that is an ironic thought in itself ...reminds me of "sharath's uncertainity principle".. it states that conscious realization of a thought changes the thought itself....lol.. pretty neat huh?.. but rather painfully obvious.. just a cool name though :)
today is thanksgiving here..... i wonder why ppl feel so happy during festivals.... lol.. i have to put down that a hot chick just walked past under my window.. lol..its nice to have windows facing the road.. oh..where was i? ah yes... why ppl feel happy during festivals... or why the festivals are there at all...cos for me.. they are just like another day..... i think the general psyche has somethng like .. its morally "right" for them to enjoy udring a festival...so they do stuff thats supposed to be done during the festival.. and create an environment... which might be happy.. and how that can make them "happy" would probably be something to do with the effect of the environment which everyone is creating for them....hence in a very delicate balance..where the effect of everyone has a small thread in pulling ones life in the direction of happiness...lol... okay pretty wierd thought.. on that line.. i remember playing a computer game "pharoah"... some strategy game... where you are playing the role of a pharoah in ancient egyptian society.. and you plan the city and stuff... and you have to make sure that ppl are happy.. so you plan festivals on some days..... and have jugglers, artists etc perform... and give ppl holidays... so ppl come dance, "be happy" and make your position as the pharoah more secure.. maybe all festivals have an origin which is fundamentally economic..and somehow the uncertain, undefined feeling of happiness is somehow tied to it.....but if one thinks about the economic root of a festival.. doesnt the feeling that someone is derving benefit out of it kind of make you think wheather the whole damn thing is artificial... is ignorance bliss??... when would the pharoah be actually happy.. because his plan is working... vague thought line goes to the book "power" by russel.... lol. if you rite a book on filosophy and the pharoah reads it.. its sure to make him think the reason for his happiness is something that will probably kill it.... lol.. does that mean philosphers are at the root of the tree of happiness......lol... im seriously laughing to myself...... ah it started raining again :)... yeah feels nice to be inside my cozy room staring at the red leaves dancing to the rain :) ..am delightfully happy today..... the reasons for which will not be analyzed.. cos i dont think il find any... and maybe if i do...ill find out that im not happy anymore.... but the whole process of writing it down doesnt seem to kill it... so is ignorance bliss or is it not? reminds me of a line in "before sunrise".. ah yes.. thats a beautiful movie.. somehow... i can identify with a lot in the movie.. also the sequel "before sunset".. both beautiful movies..... so if you get a chance to watch em .. do so.... somehow.... finding something magical.. within oneself... or withing someone else.. or within everyone else.. might be delightful.... hmm... i can see a circle of thought in that.. if i continue further...let me choose to end it here....... ah.. let me see.. i always find it difficult to fill in the title..cos i really dont know what ill be riting about... hmm.... what did my blog consist of... festivals and happiness... happiness.. madness... let let me put that as the title..lol.. okay couldnt resist putting "magic" in the title.. okay.. i think il finish off an assignment due tomorrow :)

kiss

2005-07-03T06:55:00.000-07:00

ah... watched a couple more movies today.. wont bother with reviews.. but let me list them at least.....
hmm..again .. i forgot... damn.. i shud try to remember this stuff okay.....let me try hard
hmm..remember the last one.. cos that got over only seconds ago but will list that only in the end.... the order will not be preserved for the other ones...
well ... hmmm.. yeah the second last one was "taking lives"
hmm.. another one was "thomas crown affair"
hmmm....... hmmmm... damn.... i totally dont have a memory section in my fucking brain!!!!
yeah i watched sincity again.. im turning into a total loser.... sheesh
yeah i forgot the others but there were more... damn...
the last one was "never been kissed".. the movie was total crap.. i dint like the comedy in that.. but the movie ended with a lot of kisses :)... i like kisses.. they should show kisses in indian movies as well... i hear they do that now :)... lol.. im sounding like a total perv... but hell no..... not really.. when i say a kiss... there has to be emotions attached... its not an end but an expression.....no.. i really mean it.. at least a point of view i keep.. doesnt go with the perverted (assumed) begining to this paragraph..well..anyway... there is someone i wish i had kissed....sigh..never got time.. till the next time.. if and when i feel like expressing it... something as i imagine.. a surrender to love... cant put it into words so will not try.....
hmm... wonder what i put in the title..doenst seem appropriate.... why does there have to be a title at all.. okay let me change it to kiss... not becos i want someone to read this..but because that is what i am thinking about now

movie mania

2005-07-03T02:19:00.000-07:00

thought i was getting tired of watching movies... but maybe that was just an excuse for my laziness to reboot my system... thats pretty cryptic.. whats the connection between wathcing movies and rebooting the machine...well it goes like this.. i have an onboard lan card as well as a separate one.. i have this wierd idea that using any on board resourses affects performance.. so i disabled the on board card a long time back.. and all this time i was using the lan card that i had from my old machine... well... around 3 weeks back... somethign happend and i was getting only 100k/s downloads.. not a very good speed to download movies.... but uploads were working quite fine... not that i care about uploads...but lot of other ppl in the campus do.. considering the fact that i have a lot of on my comp... ...well anyway.. as soon as my lan card got corrupted.. wierd corruption too.. i realized i have to reboot to correct it..cos the on board lan card was disabled in the bios....
well yesterday i finaly did it.. rebooted the damn thing.. and then realized that it was never that i got tired of movies but that i was too lazy to reboot the machine :| ... this is a horrifying realization even to myself.... well... ive been seeing movies end to end...
okay first movie.. dint see it in my room...went to the dome theater... batman begins... okay movie.. i liked it :) but inthe dome theater might not be a real good place to watch action movies... cos kind of the action seems too fast for the eye to catch..cos the screen looks too close.. dont know if its that particular movie... well.. anyway.. am not plannitn to reserach that as a ticket costs 235 moneys!!!!
well.. after coming back ive been wathing movies one after the other..
what was first?? i am trying hard to recollect.... shit.. icant believe this.. icant remember.... damn.. i have to check my comp to see the movies i have seen... damn.. whats happening to my memory?
yeah... the first one was "undermind".. nice movie...another anti destiny dialogue i found in it... as is evident i like all anti destiny dialogues :)..." somehow in the end everything goes wrong... if you let it"
story about two guys.. parallel storeys where the mind of one person gets exchanged with the oher... well.. both seem to be separate worlds.. well it doesnt make much logical sense when you think about it.. but itsa nice watch.. id rate it 3 stars/ five
then i watched a malayalam movie.. skipped the titles. .so i dont really remember the name.. but that was nice movie too... some love story.. when initially the girls waits a lot for the guy and then the story ends by the guy waiting for the girl for a longer time... well.. rating 2.5/5.. ah whats the use reading rating when the name of the movie is not mentioned :D
the next one was Wall Street... michael douglas... really nice movie.. defnly 4 stars....story of a stock broker who bags a big client. (michael) and later falls into the network ..dealing.. collecting insider information.. big money.. beautful girls etc.. etc.. and how there is a turnaround in his life....
ah next.. the best of the lot ... a five stars ... "sin city" it seems its based on some comics... really brilliant.. just like animatrix..a collection of stories.. its not animated totally..but a lot of visual effects on real camera... kind of semi black and white.. beautifully made... but lot of VIOLENCE and GORE... not much of sex.. but a lil of that too :) ... but it kind of affected me... like when there is violence for revenge.. i kind of am gratified internally by seeing the violence... and .. its really gory.... i began to get scared of myself for a moment... but a must watch movie...
the latest one i saw was "the last casino".. the acting and direction story is not all that great.. though the heronie is really sexy.. made in canada i thikn.. its about card counting in casinos... after watching the movie.. i think this might be a good profession.. it hink with time and experience this skill can be perfected. ..lol.. ill hunt for good company who can show me the ropes here.. hmm.just dreaming of easy money...nah on second thoughts.. its going to be too much effort....
all these movies have been wathced inthe last 48 hrs.. which didnt leave much time for other activities except of course for sleeping :)
eventful days i must say

do i really have to put something in the title column each time?

2005-06-30T22:51:00.000-07:00

im getting really bugged today.... bugged that im not getting motivated from within to work... i think i always had it easy in my life.. putting absolutely no hard work in anything..and still getting a lot.... if chance does any justice to all ppl.. i would have run out on all my luck ..but hey.... but then i wouldnt even have got this lucky.. which must mean that chance doesnt do much of justice.....
have to code... riting it on pieces of paper and sticking it here and there.. or putting it as a desktop wallpaper doesnt seem to work.... not that i do much else...yeah thats teh problem.. im not doing anything these days.. this activity of riting down my thoughts is the most productive part of the day.... that would give you a picture of how eventful my life is turning out to be
hmm..yesterday i got confirmed accomodation in ubc.. on campus itself..close to the cs dept as i hear... but at the cost of one months extra rent which comes to quite a sum in indian money... im suckering on my dad without any shame... after all my existance is his fault ....... reminds me of a t shirt i saw in the tea shop.... dont drink and park.. accidents cause people..... however i dont think i was caused by an accident.... my birth was pretty planned as most are in indian marraiges.... he he..but i guess only the birth can be really planned.... my life is certainly not going according to anyones plan.. that i am sure... my parents must be wondering where their plans went wrong.....
coming back to the tea shop..located conveniently just ouside the main gate .... i have become one of the most frequent customers there... adding a constant source of income... (buy a pack of davidoff daily and two or three cups of tea) btw a pack of davidoff contains 20 cigs :o ..... i shud keep checks... well.... the service has become kind of slower in the past two days..... the reason... there is a new kid (child labout :( ) responsible for washing the glasses...... well its about the kid.... i was watching him impatiently..and the guy who makes tea was cursing him incessantly for working so slow...but no matter what...this guy ..must be aroudn 10 or 11.. had a very unhurried look on his face..and actually it was unhurried work..totally oblivious of the external environment... can see a lot of myself in the kid... working mechanically of course..but with absolutely no care to hurry.... in spite of the huge crowd and pot of tea waiting just for the glasses to be washed.... now whenever i go to the tea shop.. instead of observing the ppl so busy with their lives.... i watch this kid... who is taking things at his own pace... kind of radiates confidence..and accepting reality at the same time.... sometimes when the shop is empty..he sips tea himself...sitting on a stool...watching the ppl walk by... with a smile on his face.. observing people around... i really love the casual approach he takes to work.... sometimes he says something to me..... which i fail to understand ( you have to understand the very limited knowledge of hind i have) so i just smile at him.... something about him that is very undefinable that .. i recognize but cant put into words.. that i identify with alot.. which is very rare in todays world... everyone at the tea shop likes him though.. its eveident...no im not talking about the customers..but the ppl working there....
makes me sad that he isnt being educated.. strengthens my resolve to start a school later in life.... if and when i get teh money and chance....but sometimes i think any kind of education would ruin that state.... can any education encourage it? i wonder

no title

2005-06-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

am in a very happy mood.. lots of energy flowing thru my veins... spending a bit on this page.....listening to "piya bole"..whenever i listen to a song i tend to remember the time when i first heard the song... this one had a very special occasion to it... but i guess the song is good otherwise as well.. of course the otherwise doesnt really matter.. as long as the song exists and i like listening to the song:)
rising from the deepest pits of depression now everthing seems very lively and happy... the weather has a lot to contribute as well... the lovely rain...as i look out the window i see wet green leaves fluttering in the wind, the damp red flowers on the lush grass and the wet bark of trees and birds....turn my head to see the beautiful lake.. powai lake i think.. whats in the name ?... i think the beautiful location and peace of the location has a great to contribute to the high productivity of this college.... the beauty of it all cant be captured on the the keyboard on the servers this page is being hosted on... but a piece of it with the associated high will remain in my mind changing it for the moment with rippling effect into the future as well :) ha ha cant stop smiling... the reason being my own.. the search of which im uninterested at the moment which i can save for later gloomy moments :) :) :) :) :)
ha ha moments of extasy such as these...would certainly bring doubts into heads about the line between sanity and insanity.. but what if this is insanity.. this is definitly a wonderful insanity... the song is over..hmm... the sudden change to "fool again" by westlife is kind of jarring.. let me change it back...
ah the moment is lost.. to be captured again at a later moment that will come :)
i was wondering why ppl blog at all? we had a discussion about this back in college... because blogs exist... and because we can!!! just another public diary?? but why would i care whether others read it or not?? does it really matter to me? but why did i wonder earlier about the number of hits i had on my page? am i planning to advertize at any moment? lol.. that sounds so very shallow even to myself....no not shallow... like doing injustice to the feelings that went behind these blogs.. these small pieces of heaven that i am capturing for a later date.... well.. what if ..what if what if.... put a damn hit counter......ha ha... maybe one day ill want to know how many ppl read my blogs... man is a social animal....
going back to the discussion about why blog.. rp said..reading blogs...he found communities of ppl.. and everyone wants that other ppl read it....kind of pretty obvious the way posts go and everythign else... the why to that is maybe a very deep question... man is a social animal.... does that explain it.....maybe its that though these blogs are very private emotions... maybe its a tendency to widen the circle beyond ones own private self.. the need to be understood maybe.. and the need to understand others (which can be quickly termed as curiosity) ...hmmm... will worry my sorry brain about that later .....
my eyes wander down to the huge collection of cigarrette butts on the floor.. its scaring me.. maybe i should just sweep them away... so that it doesnt bug me from time to time....... have to cut down.. hmm... will do that sometime.. rajiv said.. one day you could just stop...lol... kinda hoping its true..... my dad knows i smoke but ive played it down.. i know when conversations would lead to... i just want to smoke.. leave me alone.. i cleverly turn it away before that happens... ha ha he thinks he is smarter than me and i thikn im smarter than him..he he.. a funny situtation rite now.. well....
ah i was just thiking after replying to a mail.. there are dreams and there are nightmares..... some nightmares.. you wake up and think.. ah so glad it wasnt real... if i sleep again..then maybe i wudnt have it again.. but mostly for me even nightmares when i suddenly jump up in my bed i think..hey that was a tight situtation..how would it all end... if i sleep again..can i catch the end?? lol... and then there are extremely pleasant dreams (erotic ones included) when you wake up and curse yourself for waking up..and then driving all thoughts away.. and just lying back...closing your eyes... trying to capture the moment again in your conscious imagination... hoping it would send you back to the world where you could continue the dream... if this was a dream... and i woke up in an alien world with one leg and big eye for a head i would probably lie back down again (if that was how a one legged one eyed alien would sleep) and try to capture this moment and the moments that would follow again.... such is the pleasure of the moment

orgasm

2005-06-28T03:28:00.000-07:00

it was only yesterday that i rote a post.... but there is nothing else to do.. so i thought ill rite another... let me think of a title...lol.. yeah.. put it in.... now you would at least read till here
damn... sex is so taboo in this society that you actually read till here.. probably just because of the title..read no more ..the rest of the blog promises to be as random thoughts as the begining is
thinking about random thoughts... as i was aimlesslsy smoking earlier today.. i came up with a wonderful idea for a random number generator... the seed for the random number generator could be soemthing that some personin the world might do...like the generator could tap the actual randomness that was never explained by man rather than an algorithm that is coded which is essentially non random (beacuse it has been coded) too techie for the non geeks i guess... lol.. proud to be a geek as ankush says... however ankush is a proud geek while im just proud :D
well... since i have run out of the random number generator shit.. i thouhgt i will rite about the topic itself.. osho says... orgasm is a momentary experience of super consciousness :) .... some wierd discussion with the dad of a future classmate of mine ( yeah am plannign to continue my worthless existence as a student in ubc vancouver thanx to the generous financial aid they are pouring on suckers like me ) and discussions on religion turned to the unexplained.. and the first example he came up with which he couldnt explain was the state of orgasm... the small bit of tradition in me kind of surprised me that he was bringing it up.... maybe there is some truth in what osho says... myabe ill just read that book "sex and superconsciousness" which i had started and stopped due to the other interesting activities which i had then... none of which i have now.... now im living by siddhus dictum #2.. when in doubt watch porn... lol... reminds me of the friends episode in which they were discussing the advantages of males over females and vice versa.... and the discussion ended with the point that females could experience multiple orgasms...makes me kind of jealous.. cos porn loses its meaning after watching it for some time (for a male like me) lucky females..but hey they get to bear the kid and the pain of childbirth :) ... i guess it must be pretty painful... lol..it cant be all an act of pain for the sake of sympathy
ah im sure this blog will enjoy draft status forever :D... maybe not.. i wonder how people make promises even to oneself... wouldnt that have to mean you can control the future.. maybe if you are superconscious and have total control of the dream we term reality now then you can.. then why would you bother anyway?? of course.. no answers... at least something is correct... for the moment again... "random_rambler" how did i see so far in the future that im going to remain so?? elements of control in my hands.. promises only to the immediate vicinity of my shortsight...all the same..... well... the promise of the draft status is already lost...somehow i like to see the damn blog page getting bigger... though with trash... they have this thing for deleting all these blogs if i need to later i hope....

First love - a Begining and an End

2005-06-27T02:04:00.000-07:00

been reading blogs all of today... and really amazed that ppl can rite so well... .... well... this has kind of made me very insecure about my own language deficiencies ( for a very self secure guy ) .. so i think this blog is going to remain as a draft for a long time... this draft trick i learnt from rp :D
well what do i rite about....am in a very philosophical mode...more so than usual..... my friend was telling me this.. he said.. when your heart gets broken you tend to be philosophical.... am afraid to admit it but then maybe its true....the more one realizes about oneself the more one treads further on the path to superconsciousnes...and yeah am moving on
had a few crushes before...the only difference between crush infatuation & love is probably the time period or intensity level...
this one was the first time in my life of its kind... like every incident in the past was a first time and future incidents will also remain a first time when i look back
never planned anything... hell she used to teach me and i didnt even know her name.... till one fateful day i asked her for a cup of coffee.... she was already engaged then.. but then.. so what?? why not have coffee with a teacher (only a year elder) who was engaged... well.. just an innocent coffee... well it dint remain innnocent as others would see it... a coffee became two, three, and soon an obsession... everything else in life almost lost all meaning... incessant messaging and fone calls and an irressistable desire to see her, talk to her touch her.... read her smses again and again... every compliment she showered felt heavenly, had more meaninng than all the measly successes in my life... and so it went on.... what was most amazing about the company was not only the fact that she was a girl and there was this unexplained attraction that a guy would feel towards a girl.. but the complete honesty with which i could just be myself and she could just be herself .. and not be worried because deep down we knew that we would love each other just as we were... this quote about love has a lot of sense " love removes masks that you are afraid you cannot live without but you know you cannot live within"... maybe to the rest of the world the masks would always remain ..jsut to protect myself.. but with her.... i could just be myself.. total and complete honesty... and getting appriceitaed and love what what you are and not for what you show some ppl as you appear to be is totally different.... she loved me not my masks....and i loved her the same way
well she wasnt really engaged because she wanted it..... but her parents really wanted it though...
for her it came down to a choice... a choice between extrememly traditional parents.. but still parents who loved her with all their hearts and also parents who still did not understand her... but parents that she never wanted to see hurt because she loved them....
ah i tried everything... everything being counselling her as to how she could go by convincing her parents..... her mother started suspecting her increasing amt of time spent outside and her incessant messaging late into nights...and she started freaking out as well...she started taking sleeping pills ... this might not be a thing a traditional lady would ever understand...seeing another guy after being engaged.... her mothers advice to her... "what you are looking for is not real"... well... what can be more real than ones feelings.... not some stupid religion or caste.. but i doubt if some would ever understand... they have been shielded from truths so cleverly.. that even if the truth was shown to them, they would rather cover their eyes to it rather than admit that most of their lives had been a lie.... and her father had to be a heart patient... he never knew....
she moved out of city..... the distance in miles and time increased... separating us ... crushing so innocent and pure a love ... but it never died... every once or so a short span of messaging would rekindle the flame and it would burn as bright as ever... but the pressure was too much.... she broke..i couldnt stand seeing her broken.. it broke me.... she had to go ahead with the marraige....
one last meeting... in delhi... we wiped each others tears away... however the spark would always remain deep inside, covered and smothered by a million layers that society so harshly demands..but the spark remains and will remain... maybe forever
now tears no longer fill my eyes as i remember those moments.. the moments that were, the moments that could have been and the moments that were lost.... now i look at the clock on my desk that she gave me .. "to remember the times we shared" and smile... happy that a piece of heaven was a part of my life... as the song goes... "i could have missed the pain, but id have had to miss the dance"..paid the price of joy with tears... but the price is paid... but the price is also being paid for the future... with the assurance that more moments of joy witll come maybe more tears will have to be spent but in the end its all worth it and its nothing to fear.... i am still alive, i still breathe and i still ask for more of life

published the damn blog anyway.... what the heck.. whoz going to read!!!

First Blog

2005-04-14T00:44:00.000-07:00

decided to finally start blogging today. not that I did not have the time earlier.. just that i kept postponing it as i do with the rest of the things in my life!!! am too impatient to see my own blog page that ill stop now and save the blog so i can see my own page :)