resurruction

So here it is.. i am resurrecting my blog... not that i have much to write about... when i think about it.. my blog is a way to let out the emptiness... but I really shouldnt be feeling all that empty.. havent spent so much time working furiously in a long time... yet it doesnt give me the sense of achievement that I would have had on another day... I am certainly underutilizing myself.. I can do this every day or once every 2 days.. if only I were as passionate as some others i know or as I was at certain points in my life.... a million different logical ways I can think of to make my life "better" or more eventful but not convinced enough to make an effort.. maybe I will from today... this post sounds very unlike me.. strange tinglings of resolve building up... hope it continues...

very very disconnected thoughts

why geographical distance is important.... its so fucking cold in here... the sun is rising... its been a while since i caught the sunrise.. i have to go before anyone discovers me here and finds out that i bunked class again today.. why did i have to do that to myself.. i surprise myself at the things i do... for myself? for others? i dont know :) i drank black coffe today.. again.. this is not supposed to make sense .. as usual.....cold but beautiful... the room the view... her?.. the view? my feet? the music? memories... scary depressing ... why do i bother? .. silence... love?

...

okay ... spent a hell lot of time reading blogs! others and mine! i shud stop doing that.. .im thinking of resurrecting my blog again... with this post... and posting to public what i had as draft.. maybe i wont do that... yeah why the hell not have a mixture of public and private... its not like i dont have any thoughts beyond the blog.... well for sure it isnt... i guess the private blog thing was more of an action induced by the thought.. why the hell should i care if others understand me... and not that i had anything extremly personal to type ... hmm sadly i still do.... aaargh the blankets that smother and comfort me! well anyway... another discussion about society... and i realized ive become more passive abt things in general... more living the "i dont give a fuck" attitude..... they finally get to you.. they box your idealism in a tiny matchbox.. then they compress it... and finally i guess they burn it... and i guess ill just watch emotionless... maybe even laugh at its existence.. and thing.. ha .. young and stupid no more! maybe i can hate my future self today :) ah that indeed is the first thought in the direction of turning into what i predicted i would become :) catch 22 :)

airport blog 2

okay since i ended the other blog so vehemently i felt the need to start this under a new heading.... which means that the bastard still hasnt arrived.... why the fuck doesnt he have caller id...lol he will get wiser with age i muse sagaciously... lol at some point will become like me.. then go further on to become as cynical as the other bastard roomie i have.. lol... at least i have company i can connect to...maybe i shud just start watching random ppl and start typing aobut them... but tnothign comes to my mind about random ppl.. .besides how hot they are... lol... funny the thought about my life expectancy springs again.. the connecting thoughts i fear too much to record... the realization that i still fear for life ending is kind of scary yet reassuring... im sure if i continue that thought further its going to lead to more depressing lines.. and circle of depressing thought which i would have to jump out of without any answers whatsoever.... lol..i wonder how ppl can avoid thought so easily.. i gueess im just a defective peice of nature.... my laptop battery is running out i m shutting down...

airport blog 1

that sonofabitch is not here... aaargh.. and this means that im still sitting here typing nonsense.. sipping coffee that i paid more for than at le meridian in cochin.. i hope i dont start thinking in rupees again.. that would still take vaulable days off my life living stingily.. and the mounting feeling that my life is not going to be all that long, prevails.... again.. i met this chick outside the airport... smoking whoz been here for 9 fuckin years.. and still cant speak passable english.. well.. passable maybe.. but certainly not as fluent as i was back in school... funny... which reminds me...it has come to my notice that i have developed an accent which i would have termed fake not so long back.. but its something i switch to... i suspect subconsciously.. but i can consciously switch out of it... which makes me wonder about how complicated my brain actually is.. lol.. maybe i havnet killed all the neurons after all.. yaay!! lol.... that bastard better come soon.. im getting really bugged even writing this nonsense.. funny.. i just read what i wrote in the plane..and it gives me a warm feeling... not that i have achieved anything great.. but somethign about the style that i think still hasnt changed... which was commented upon by that other fem in the plane... lol yaay i still remember her name.. but i dont want to record names in the blog.... im wondering if ill take the effort of copy pasting this into my blog... i guess i will... so that these precious momenst mean somehting... damn ive been wasting the majority of my life its sad... sigh... and not when i had come to die discover that i had not lived.... im not feeling homesick .... i think ive been taking effort into not thinking about home.... i hate leaving.. but i like arriving... though they are both two pieces of the very same event.... the same event in timescale... the plane journey wasnt all that bad either... thanks to the katti vekkal... lol.. good company i guess... why do all the good company chix have to be taken and way older than me... .. but she could have easily passed for 18.... its somethign about the race... yes yes.. it certainly is.. okay i really need to end this and that bastard needs to come fast.. im getting increasingly restless sitting here... i think a part of it.. has to deal with breaking the news to my prof :D..... okay okay am ending this one here.. ..yes yes.. here... here.... enough!!!!

plane blog

i need to stop doing this random nonsense and start doing something useful with my time.. like spending it productively such as now.. writing about random nonsensical thoughts.. maybe one day it will be nice to read it....... maybe.... maybe i shud just begin caring about some day in the future... if that be termed direction in life .. which is just a vague path.... ah i like making absolutely no sense at all.. i wonder if ill be able to piece together these dotted isolated in text yet connected in mind pieces of thought.. at a later point of time... i have thie uncomfortable feelingt that i wont... i really love this song.. how to save a life.. sadly i dont know the lyrics yet.. though ive listened it it more than a couple of million times.... makes me want to smoke again.. whichi shud stop... i remind myself... lol its really funny actually typing that.. but then hey i typed that its funny.. is that fundamentally different... damn i even put a question mark there.. which i promptly deleted... i wonder if there is anything in reading this along at a point of time in the future... which reminds me of the isolated diary entry i had made when i was really young.. and 5 years later it did sound pretty weird.. but then i was using the prconcieved notions of how a diary entry should be... which is esssentially not like this text... i guess that makes a lot of difference.. i guess it would be pretty much the same if tried following such a notion..now... the difference is that now i cant... and id be really embarassed typing it.. embarassing to myself.. now why that feeling even pops up puzzles me.. is someone watching.. is that the fear?... i hope thats it.. some other human watching as a danger.. otherwise it fucks up my entire philosophy.. the fact that i dont confirm that thought in itself is pretty disconcerting... hmm.. id rather not delve further into that one.. .. why dont they ahve some sattelite internet connectivity thing?? lol why not a fucking teleporter.. so i dont have to endure this pain.... okay this has totally lost its novelty now... im must find out sometihng else to do.. i dont really want to disturb the girl(?) lady (?) sitting next to me... ah generosity... okay im getting really bugged typing this... ah another 3 hrs left in battery..yaay!i shud take this supid operating system out and put in something in which the damn cam works...aaargh.. everythign is screwed up.. ah welcome back negativity!! .. ... okay thats too much of a pause.. why i paused i think i know.. .. hmm.. maybe i dont... maybe its too complicated... is introspection a disease? interesting thought about smile.. which i dont care to record.. but i did just smile... at myself... is this getting dangerous.. i prolly need pills :).. ooh.. i dont know why ppl wouldnt want to take the psychotic drugs.. i would so be happy to get a prescription for it.. wheather i can fake it as a whole is something worth trying.. or do i even need to is kind of a scary thought... i really need to talk to anoops sister... and i have to wish the choot happy bday today.. whether typing that here is actually going to help me remember i know not... i cant believe i forgot the other girls name.. damn i aksed her thrice.... okay.. thanks to the prolonged discussion on how this girl(?)s name is pronoucne.. i think i remember it.yaaay.... i hope its not the dope.. but that hardly counts... maybe if i do it more often... maybe who cares... why the fuck dont i? at least nothing depresses me.. if stoicisim cant.. then what can... shud i jsut delete all this like the rest of the crap ive been typing... the guy air hostess.. looks really confused... lol... and the fem looks kinda cute... i do have something negative to note about that.. but let me not... what a shitty job... i mean ..stand.... and work.. and smile at assholes who are checking you out all the time.. i guess the female psyche is slightly different in this respect.... im not sure i know how though.. though im sure there is a difference.. back to freudian cliched line... thats it.. im ending this... and thats not the first time i said it and not ended it.. ... okay the really true random thoughts are not being recorded..but tht classifies as one of the random ones that i wouldnt originally record... maybe becos i still think faster than i can type.. or maybe im too introverted to record!!! phew.. my blogs are just getting more and more dangerous!!! do i give a fuck? do i know the anser to that question? why the fuckin philosophy? and the little joys of life fluttering away at the cold touch of philosophy... sigh i do miss her.. still... i guess the minds a bitch and just wants what it cant possibly get.. the world is too small.. maybe.. im sure ill cry.... not now.. maybe not then.. maybe ill change and complete my transition into a totally insensitive bastard!

just so that the text doesnt go into the title

its been a while since ive been here.. and on some random conversation i thought about blogs.... and rememberd i had one.. came to my page and read all my previous blogs... felt really nice to read a lot of my old thoughts.. and suddenly i get the feeling that ive grown.... i probabaly havent.. but this blog is mainly just to record whatever im thiking now.. so that i might later read and enjoy what i thought today... but this sure is not the reason one blogs.. as i have tried to understand earlier..now to complete this purpose all i need is to think something and then record it as im thinking it... lol... easier said than done... yeah just let the thoughts flow... i dont think that ever works.... right something happened just now... that i will not record.. cos it does not involve me.. lol but its funny though...... okay im slipping into resignation about bringing up other chains of thought... i guess things are not affecting me much anymore... reminds me of what rp said about himself and the same reason he identifies with the character in that movie... the johny depp movie... damn i cant remember the name of the movie.... its something starting with D... now i really need to find out.. and for some reason i want to remember the name without looking it up in imdb.... aaargh .. this is painful...yeah i got it.. it took me at least 20 seconds tho.. and it does not start with D its "the libertine".... some lines in the movie.. about reality not inducing feelings but theater bering the only hope.... i had actualy mentioned this in an earlier blog... hmmm.... funny... i think i had an argument about it...hmmm..checked my mail again..nothing interesting in there... im getting restless here..i guess its suddenly life getting a lot slower now that im in india.. damn 3 months in seattle just flew by... maybe im saying that cos its over.... maybe its because i actually worked hard there.. hmm well.. maybe not as hard as ive been trying to convince myself that i worked... but that was fun.. at least the amt of money coming in was a great relief....... which is somethign in the past i remind myself.. i badly need to switch from my extravagant lifestyle i remind myself... lol i wonder if its going to help... probabl not... which reminds me.. there was one secret post that i never posted... am going to see if its still around... i dont remember why i dint post it though....... i just found out there were 2 blogs not 1 that was still in draft.. i dont remmebr why i dint post it earlir.. but i went ahead and posted it now... lol i guess there begins and ends the productivity of the day... am getting tired of this... i m sure when i read this later its only going to depress me more.. .lol maybe not.... to be totally honest....

north country

been a long time since i wrote a blog.. but saw this wonderful movie today.. i must say its been the best movie ive seen in quite some time.. and i hvae seen quite a looooooooot of movies recently....
i dont really like writing reviews because i feel it takes something out of the movie if you read the review....its inspired on a true story and really touching... touched me.... im sorry i saved only a half cigarette for the night.. its about a woman who enters a man's world of mining... probably at the begning of legislation enabling women in the workforce in america... and her struggle in a male dominated world and her sexual harassment suit....
a must watch movie.... not only is she (charlize theron) beautiful.. she acts so damn well... how come we have none like em in bollywood.... is fucking the director all they have to do to get into indian cinema? i am tempted to delete this para as i dont really want to mention bollywood in the same page...
well... i suspect the only emotions that are affecting me recently are those introduced by movies... hmm.. interesting thought.. maybe beacuse im pretty much not doing anything else......yeah that must be it

on the brink of madness

for no special reason either... not self pity but something beyond.. maybe there is somethign such as self hate... maybe ive hit it this time... as much as id hate to admit it... but when you are there.. the hating to admit part is solved.. in a rather sad way...
i was wondering why i compare myself with ppl so much lesser than me... why do i need any fucking consolation... im sinking way lower than i ever imagined i would... fuck i dont care .. not now.. not this moment... accepting without concern.. maybe thats not entirely true.. i guess the moment in my head ive been postponing subconsciously is finally here...
maybe i can just sleep off and not wake up... currently dont have the will or effort to get out of it.. still i wear the fucking social mask... and think about inane things when im with others.... nevermind... nothing matters... im gonna quit smoking....its totally screwing up my throat.. mayebe im thinking that just for the sake of somethign to do... fuck fuck fuck... maybe ill just delete this blog..... maybe i dont care enough.. maybe... damn maybe.. im begining to hate the word now...